Sacrifice
by Ink Reservoir
Summary: For the ones who'd burn to give someone else a chance in the light.


Luciel's favourite part of soda is the hiss when he pops the tab on his can, bringing it to his lips to gulp down the slightly minty beverage, cool and unlike mostly everything else he's ever drank, which, since two years ago, has expanded widely in variety. He wonders how V kept it cold in his car driving here, since Luciel lives pretty out of his way. Between his agency assignments to learn more complex types of software hacking and the physical training he's been mandated to go through, Luciel doesn't have much time to watch television or stream shows online, but he does recall seeing one where a character's car had a fridge in it. He doesn't remember the name of the show or what it was about, but the fridge stuck out. If he can ever afford a car he'll definitely get one with a fridge.

He dangles his arm over the railing that overlooks the mountainside, covered in fresh green grass since it's summer, tipping the can just enough that he can feel the danger of spillage without any of the Ph.D. Pepper actually dripping out. Beside him, V's eyes roam the landscape, a soft smile on his features, subtle enough that it could almost appear to just be his neutral expression.

Luciel doesn't get to see V in person much, since they're both very busy, but V does make the effort to catch up with him at least once every couple of months. The mountainside is a nice place for it, and probably better than the public places V has sometimes brought him to. Luciel knows that sooner or later he'll be receiving missions where his intel gathering will need to happen beyond his computer, but rarely going anywhere except to church for the most part of his life made encounters with strangers awkward experiences, and it's even worse when he goes with V. Whether it's experience or something else, Luciel doesn't know, but V's words are always seamless, sweeter than the words of the priest at Luciel's church were, and even average people like the barista or the ticket counter at the arcade seem enthralled by his presence. Luciel's own long pauses while searching for the right words to express what he wants are more than laughable by comparison. They're humiliating.

Luciel sighs, raises the can to take another sip and shifts his weight onto his left leg. He can't help but wonder at Saeran, if perhaps his little brother is any better at this than he is, if he has more opportunities than Luciel does to practice. It's an enjoyable prospect to consider, that Saeran has adjusted to a better life than Luciel and has plenty of free time to spend in arcades or ice cream shops, well off enough to treat himself to small pleasures that Luciel can't indulge in and impress the workers with the smoothness of his speech.

Realistically, the chances are low. The trauma their mother had inflicted upon Luciel and Saeran had a dramatic influence on their ability to develop healthily, and Saeran had dealt with far worse from her than Luciel ever had to. Recovery would be a long journey, and all Luciel can do is trust that Rika and V are helping Saeran through it.

He turns his head slightly to glance at V again and starts when he realizes the other's been looking at him, immediately turning his gaze back to the mountains.

"Sorry," V apologizes, and Luciel can hear a smile in his tone. "Did I surprise you? I shouldn't've been staring."

"No, it's okay," Luciel says, hoping he sounds reassuring. "I just wasn't, um…"

V waits.

"… Expecting it," Luciel finishes lamely.

"It's all right," V says. "You looked like you were concentrating hard, though. I was wondering what you're thinking about."

Luciel's cheeks heat, and he takes another gulp of Ph.D. Pepper, looking away from V to the horizon line.

"Nothing," he mumbles, unsure of how he'd explain it even if he tried. Luciel isn't supposed to have thoughts of Saeran anymore, is supposed to have given him away to the care of Rika and V and entrusted them with keeping him safe and helping him heal from his painful childhood without further involvement on Luciel's part. It hurts his chest to think about, and he swallows his next mouthful of soda down hard so the harsh sparkling texture burns his throat. If only there were some way they could've emerged together… or, even better, if they could've been born as twins to a loving family, who'd lavish them with presents just for no reason, go out all together to fancy restaurants or amusement parks like in the shows. He fingers the cross around his neck and tries to think that this is all a trial, that one day whatever God's plan is for him and his brother will be fulfilled and he can just live in happiness. To have separated a pair of twins… it's so cruel, but considering the circumstances in which they were raised, Luciel wonders if maybe they were doomed from the start. His fingers move to clasp the pendant, and its corners dig painfully into his palm.

V takes a step toward him, places his forearms on the railing and leans out too. Luciel is conscious of him but doesn't look, the black sleeves visible in his periphery. "How's your work for the agency going?"

"Okay," Luciel answers. "I mean, the same as usual." His hand drops from the necklace.

"That sounds good, then," V says. "You're a fast learner."

"Mm," Luciel agrees. The training is difficult, but Luciel knows he's moving through it at a much faster rate than the agency expected of him when he first joined. Unfortunately, that means they raised their expectations pretty quickly. He's given more assignments on the fronts of both actual work and learning the skills required to be successful in this job than most of the others he works with, and V's sporadic visits mean never having a stable sense of when he'll get a break. People who've been in the business longer like Vanderwood use the money they earn to reward themselves between missions, but Luciel wouldn't even know what to spend it on, except maybe soda. On top of that, he hears the higher-ups are thinking of sending him to college in about a year to work undercover on some new project no one has details on yet.

It'll all be worth it though, if it means Saeran gets to smile like on Rika's floppy disk. Luciel cracks his neck, straightens up a little. It's so sunny and warm out today. Maybe somewhere not so far from here, Saeran is outside enjoying the weather too.

"Hey, V?" Luciel says quietly, and V turns his whole body in Luciel's direction to listen, one arm still resting on the rail. "You and Rika… you love her, right?"

"Yes," V's response comes without hesitance, like it's the easiest question he's ever been asked, and Luciel wonders if there's anything that he knows with that kind of sureness. He shifts his weight to the other leg again, feels an itch on his neck but resists the urge to scratch it.

"Well…"

V wears boots that lace up, and next to Luciel's dirty sneakers they look pretty professional, though he knows that's not what actual professionals wear. Now that he thinks about it, V's always worn the same kind of shoes basically since Luciel met him.

"Then you should know," Luciel ignores the distraction, trying to sound confident. "Like… if you love someone… I mean." He pauses, and turns his head away from V when he can feel the other's expression changing. "What are you supposed to do for people if you love them? How do you know if it's the right thing?"

V's silent, and the seconds rolling by make the soft breezes chilling. Luciel zips up his hoodie. He probably shouldn't've even asked. His life with Saeran is over and there's no way for him to go back, whether he did the right thing or not. So he has to believe he did the right thing… there's no other choice but to believe he did the right thing.

He bites his lip, maybe he should tell V not to bother with an answer, dismiss the question as caused by stress, because there's no doubt the other is probably worrying about the implications of Luciel asking such a question.

"I, um," he mumbles. "I'm not having second thoughts, or anything. It was—"

"Sacrifice," V says, and Luciel finally looks at him to see he's staring out, the sunlight reflecting on his face making it difficult to discern his expression, still like a pool of water. Luciel's eyes widen involuntarily. Maybe it's the blue hair but something about V is so unnatural, like the space dust everyone evolved from isn't totally able to hold its human form for him. Maybe that's unfair, since in Luciel's kind of work, there's not much room for him to be 'natural' either. "When you love someone, you sacrifice for them. Your life and theirs exist on a continuum, like the sun that has to burn for life on earth to flourish. When you love someone, you accept that burning, you put the comfort you would've taken for yourself if you were alone aside for their sake. It's not always easy… but you know it's right because your love for them tells you that they deserve to be happy."

V fixes him with a bright white smile, and for a moment Luciel is breathless. The sunlight behind V is a soft glow around his face that's warm and inviting, like that first time Luciel met him, like the time V promised he could give a better life to his brother. He hears a soft clink when the can slips from his fingers, and looks down with a start to see Ph.D. Pepper soaking into the grass before the can slips off the edge of the mountainside, a few more clanks against it before it vanishes out of sight.

"S-sorry," Luciel stammers. He doesn't know how much V paid for the soda but it's a waste now, and the can is just going to be a pollutant. He shakes himself out of his trance and hopes they can go home soon.

"It's all right," V says, puts a hand gently on Luciel's shoulder. "It was an accident."

Luciel's eyes sting. Mistakes… accidents… they aren't a luxury he can afford, not a luxury he's ever been able to afford, and if there's one thing that's consistent about his life since escaping his mother it's the harsh punishments he still knows to expect if he messes up. The touch on his shoulder makes him want to step forward into V's arms like children do into the arms of their parents on TV, but Luciel isn't a child and that kind of relationship has never been feasible for him. His throat clenches, and he feels so stupid. It's just a pop can.

Perhaps sensing his desire, V's hand slips behind Luciel's back and he pulls Luciel to his chest. Luciel gasps, his glasses shifting slightly off his face, and before he realizes what he's doing he's clinging tightly to V too, sniffing gross snot and his throat aching with the stubborn effort not to let tears spill through. V's chin rests on his head, pointed and slightly painful, and Luciel takes one of his arms back to wipe his eyes under his glasses.

"I'm sorry," V murmurs, and Luciel's body trembles.

"For what?" he muffles against V's shirt. "No one in the world has ever done so much for me."

V's warm hand is secure behind Luciel's neck, fingers and thumb cradling his head in place.

"I should be the one who's sorry for acting like this. I'm… not supposed to talk about those things anymore."

"It's okay," V reassures, and Luciel knows that without him he never could've broken away from _there_ , never could've given Saeran a chance for a better life. A sob breaks his breath and he's grateful that they're alone right now. "I wish I could've done more."

"You did everything you could."

He hears the faint chatter of birds and closes his eyes, lets himself imagine for a moment that he's normal, that he and Saeran had been born to parents like V, who'd love them enough to sacrifice for them like a parent should for their child. To imagine a life where hugs like this are normal, where accidents are forgivable just because they're accidents, and instead of doing dirty work for terrible people he and Saeran could've gone to a regular school and made regular friends instead of having to count on Luciel's genius to make them stand out to someone kind enough to offer a second chance. A second chance…

Even if that chance isn't perfect. Even if it hurts, like the sun burns his eyes if he looks for too long, mesmerized by the openness of the blue sky.

 **A/N:** I feel like I should disclaim just in case that V's notions about love are unhealthy and not good advice at all. Sacrifice and compromise can be part of loving someone if they're also willing to sacrifice and compromise for you, but love should never be about suffering. The circumstances are different in Saeyoung's case, but what V talks about when he describes his own love is toxic and dangerous. I mainly wrote this to get some practice with Saeyoung's point of view, but considering this fic is set when he's about seventeen and he's drastically different from how he is in the thing I'm writing that I needed the practice for, I don't think I really achieved what I was going for. Regardless, I really like how this turned out and I hope you enjoyed reading it. On another note, why do all my fic titles lately start with an "S"… Thanks for reading, and reviews are always appreciated!


End file.
